Month: August 2015

The 5 things I don’t want to hear after my unborn child has died….

/ kensma / Leave a comment

To all the moms who have been there…

  1. You can have another baby–  My thoughts when I hear that: what? for real? That’s your comfort?  I know that!  I am aware that I am physically capable of having another child.  That doesn’t lessen the pain of losing the child I never got to know.  Babies aren’t replaceable so please, please, please do not say this to me!
  2. It could have been worse, imagine if you were farther along– yes, imagine if I had gotten to know my child more? If I had one more day, one more kick, one more moment to feel that little life growing inside me?  What you should know is that right now I’d give anything for one more moment, one more day…one more kick.  Please don’t minimize my pain because it doesn’t meet your “timeline” for what level of grief I should feel.
  3. Time will heal you, you’ll move on- I know you mean well, I know you want me to heal.  I don’t know if I ever will, I don’t know if I can ever be the same, and I need you to be ok with that.  I need you to know that I’ll GO ON, but I can’t forget.  A part of me is gone and I can’t replace it, I will continue to live my life, but don’t shame me for breaking down randomly because I hurt.
  4. Be grateful for the family you have they need you right now-This is probably the worst… the most offensive! How can you think I am not grateful for my family?  I love them with all I have-does that mean I don’t have the right to grieve the part of my family that is now gone?  I know they need me and I wake up every day and put on a mask to hide my pain so that I can make it through the day and be there for them.. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be better if they saw me break down and lose it.  They need me, but they also need to know that this pain is real.
  5. AWKWARD SILENCE- I am not a ceramic teapot dangling off the edge of a concrete block.  Yes, I’m grieving, I am sad, but I need people to acknowledge that, not pretend it doesn’t exist.  I also know its awkward for you, you don’t know what to say, to do..you’re afraid of bringing the pain up (let me tell you, it doesn’t just go away).  The best thing you can say is “I’m here, I know you’re hurting, do you want to talk about it? and if not, just know I’m here if and when you do want or need to.”

Why is it so hard for someone to acknowledge that we lost a part of ourselves?  They make all kinds of PC words and phrases up–probably to make it easier for the people that have to deal with us because it sure doesn’t make it easier for us.  Miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, pregnancy loss and still birth do not even come close to encompassing the emotions that we feel, are feeling, or have felt. Just be here for us now, like you were before, and trust that if we don’t want to talk about it, or we just CAN NOT today…we’ll tell you.

This isn’t mean to shame anyone or to be abrasive-ok it probably is a bit abrasive– but part of grief is anger so remember that sometimes we, just as anyone who is grieving, may  lash out and sound angry.  Know that we are human, we make mistakes and we just want someone to be there for us.

This is written for all who have experienced this grief in the hopes that it will make it easier not only for you, but for those that love you and want to help but truly don’t know how.  Seeing someone for the first time after a death can be very intimidating.  Having an unborn child die, can make it even harder for others to know how to react, or what to say, especially if they have never experienced this themselves or with a close loved one.  For all of you moms out there grieving, know that your friends, loved  ones and co-workers really do care-sometimes they just don’t know how to show it. 

twitchy witchy

/ kensma / Leave a comment

Stress-not new to anyone, right?  We all have stressors, some we don’t even realize until…well until our body does and lets us know.  One of those odd ways we suddenly realize we are feeling some stress is the dreaded EYE TWITCH! A friend mentioned it today and so this post was born.

You know, its not bad enough to be feeling like every day is a conglomerate of poop in lit paper bags you are stomping out; no, then your body decides to go haywire.  The eye twitch…it comes when you least expect it, and its relentless!  As you sit talking to someone you suddenly feel as though your eyelid is frantically attempting to remove itself from the situation.

My theory? It’s all that stress looking for a way out.  It suddenly stumbles upon this opening we like to refer to as the eye socket.  Suddenly stress (we’ll refer to it as the twitchy witch going forward, TW for short) isn’t so sure it wants to go out “there”.  So TW becomes less like a rabbit running from a predator, and more like a dog who can’t decide if it wants in or out. Hence, the frantic twitching begins; and JUST when you think its about to end and no one can tell that TW , is about to escape and leave your eyes to rest, the true fun begins.  Now TW isn’t just the in and out dog whose tail is wagging and slapping the screen door violently, it’s now painfully evident that TW has taken your eyelid hostage.  There is now an imaginary toothpick holding your eyelid open as it violently struggles to evict TW …but he JUST WON’T GO!

During this life and death battle between TW and your eye socket, you are certain the world has been watching this violent struggle and pondering if you have an involuntary spasm.  You silently retreat to a dark spot or uninhabited area, all while wondering what alien life form has just seized hold of your body.

Our bodies are amazing, complex structures.  Modern science and medicine have evolved light years in the last few decades. I’m sure there must be some studies on good ole TW out there? Anyone care to share?

Why W(h)iney moms don’t do the back to school happy dance

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So, here we are, less than a month until school starts again and moms across the country are secretly doing the hand-jive/macarena/Tootsie roll in anticipation.  Am I the only backwards mom on the planet? Back to school does not=back to sanity for this mom.  Back to school means homework (which means more whining), it means checking folders, signing slips, remembering this, remembering–wandering ramblings–did you catch that in my tag line?  I don’t do remembering very well.

The carefree days of summer are coming to an end, and in this house the only ones jumping for joy that school is coming are the two kids who should be ugghing and boohooing.  Don’t get me wrong, having kids who love going to school is pretty amazing.  I love that they love it!  They love to learn, to see their friends, and see what new adventures await them.  I love to see the excitement, and for the first week I’ll be supermom.  Juggling folders and signing slips will be my new life venture-and I’ll do so flawlessly…for about a week, maybe two tops.  Then I will forget a day, I’ll misplace the slip, or forget to send a note that they need to go to xyz after school.  The kids will want a cold lunch, at 8:27pm the night before, when our fridge consists of milk, leftover tacos, one questionable apple, a piece of string cheese and some brown lettuce (not some newfangled fancy form of greens..the regular old leaf lettuce that didn’t get used up in time and is now slimy brown and stinky). From that point on the excitement of the new school year will be gone for me and I’ll just be surfing pinterest for memory enhancers, or wine racks.

Hello world!

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Welcome to my little corner of time.  I am beyond new to this… I’m like a 4-K blogger, really, so don’t expect to be blown away, this is just my place to empty my head.  Someday, along the way, I hope I can put a smile on a strangers face or a little happiness in their heart.  For now, I’m just going to share my stories of w(h)iney mommihood, talk about life,like we would over a cup of tea(if we had the time or quiet to do so), travel back to stories from the past and perhaps take some time to look ahead and see what life in the future might look like for my favorite clan, my family.

Thanks for stopping by…