Month: July 2016

Warrior Heather

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​Warriors…so many warriors of love in this world who go unnoticed…I guess instead of venting and spewing,  it’s time to share light, love, courage, and  people who live ordinary lives doing ordinary things who make an extraordinary impact on the people around them.

She is a warrior mom, a warrior friend, a woman who refuses to let life have the last laugh.  In her words ” I guess that’s what I’m most proud of is that I refuse to stick my head in the sand and ever give up… granted, I’ve thought about it a time or two, but every time I do, I think about all of the people I love, love me, and have supported me and my decisions over the years.”  

And to be clear, though we won’t dive into them,  she has had her share of life kicking her, and then kicking her again while she’s down…but she isn’t down…she keeps getting back up.

As a single mom working full time, she went back to school and earned her Bachelor’s degree. She says “That was tough! But walking across that stage and knowing that my daughter was watching and knowing that I did it all for “us”, made all of the blood/sweat/tears all worth it! Ok… there was no blood. 😉 But yeah, that has probably been one of my proudest moments.” 

Heather isn’t immune to feeling defeated, to being angry at the curve balls life throws, she feels it all; yet she will be there to help  a friend or even friends of friends without a thought.   She is that person that uses her struggles to help others in her shoes, whether it’s directly, or by showing us through her own life that we can survive. She radiates love and life and laughter and she is dearly loved.

She is a warrior of inspiration…a warrior of living life, and a warrior of finding her own way in a dark, unknown and letting us all know we can do it too.

“Times are tough, but “OTSS” is my daily mantra.”-warrior Heather.

Warrior Heather, you are THE STRONG and you’re raising a strong one too.  You give hope to women, mom’s and everyone who knows and loves you. 

I don’t know if you even like Pat Benatar, but I’m pretty sure “Hit Me with Your Best Shot” was written for warriors like you.

Warrior Fancy

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​Warriors…so many warriors of love in this world who go unnoticed…I guess instead of venting and spewing,  it’s time to share light, love, courage, and  people who live ordinary lives doing ordinary things who make an extraordinary impact on the people around them.

“Use your privilege to change the world” the quote that most embodies Ms. Fancy.  I’m not sure in a short little blog post I can convey the love and hate in this fiery woman’s heart and soul.  Her heart is full of love; love for humanity, love for those in need, love for those who…well for those who need love.  Ms Fancy is love, and yet she holds open  a bit of space for hatred…hatred for racism, bigotry, homophobia, inequality, and hypocrisy.  

A mother and a career woman, Fancy can cook a gourmet booze filled meal while saying words that’d make Eddie Murphy blush and still leave you feeling like you’re completely surrounded by love.(she might not like me saying this…but sorry Fancy, it’s true…love isn’t confined to social norms, love is feels…and you bring them )

Warrior Fancy will mince no words when it comes to human rights, and she wastes no time on people who spread hatred.   She won’t keep you around on fb so she can troll your racist comments, she does what a warrior does…deletes your ass and moves on.

She spends her spare time cooking, living, loving and working on a start up organization to fund scholarships for college bound youth in the arts field by selling children’s artwork.

I’ve reached out to her and gotten honest advice on potty training, teaching kids about racism, and my own writing.  

She grew up in a town where different was NOT ok…where it got you labeled, feared, rumored about and beyond.  She left podunk and never blinked.   

She saw and witnessed firsthand the true inhumane treatment that our fellow humans face everyday and she was NOT ok with it. She didn’t turn her head away from the pain of seeing it, she turned INTO the pain and faced it head on with a heart full of piss and vinegar and a dash of love and never looked back.

Fancy and I disagree on some things, mostly our spiritual beliefs, and I don’t love her in spite of that…I love her because of it.  She is FANCY, she radiates love and vulgarity and fun and she isn’t about acceptance, because acceptance implies settling, or tiers of humanity where those who think they are better get to decide who is OK.  She makes no apologies and she’s never asked me to make any for who I am either.  

She doesn’t like prayer, and I do. She likes the “C” word , I don’t.   

Fancy, you are what this world needs right now.  A heart who cares, a head who has no tolerance for ass backward thinking and a soul who longs to connect and live and love and laugh.  For the love of Fancy, she camps with Tiaras and gowns..  ROCK ON WARRIOR FANCY, you are a change maker.

Warrior Mom

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​Warriors…so many warriors of love in this world who go unnoticed…I guess instead of venting and spewing,  it’s time to share light, love, courage, and  people who live ordinary lives doing ordinary things who make an extraordinary impact on the people around them.

My mom, a young woman with 3 children aged 15, 12 and 9 whose Husband, best friend, and father to her 3 children left this world unexpectedly.   She went from a wife out on a date night with her beloved, to a widow, in a matter of less than 24 hours.  She was there through sports practices, games, forenics, all the extra curriculars, jobs, licenses, college applications, grandkids, marriages, moves,  ups downs and in between.  We never thought to wonder if she was ok…she was mom, she was always ok…though I know now that could never have been true.  But she put on her warrior armor and she fought her pain to pull us thru.  Mom, you ARE a warrior,  you stand strong for your beliefs, you don’t let the naysayers change your heart.  You have taught us to BE who we are and never apologize. Hold your head high warrior mom, you raised 3 children who live, and love and who know that God gave us you, because we’d need a warrior to carry us til you taught us to walk and fight, for love, on our own.

Warrior Bobbi

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Warriors…so many warriors of love in this world who go unnoticed…I guess instead of venting and spewing,  it’s time to share light, love, courage, and  people who live ordinary lives doing ordinary things who make an extraordinary impact on the people around them.

A dear friend, who has struggled since she was 13 years old with schizo affective  disorder.  We met years ago at work.  A beautiful, vibrant young lady with a passion for her own fashion, and all things eclectic; she was the first truly old soul in a young body I have known.  (And may i just say her fashion sense is amazing, original and bold-and I ADORE IT.)  She loves owls, tattoos,  her husband, good beer, people, and God.  She left her family to move two hours away to Milwaukee, (after commuting to and from for quite a while)  with her husband, got a new job, found new friends, a new church, and started volunteering in inner city Schools. She did all this while dealing with a mental illness that affects her daily life . I can’t even  WANT to do these things on my best days. She publicly shared her plight with mental illness on Facebook 2 years ago, with the hopes to help others in her shoes. She struggles daily in ways most of us can’t even comprehend and yet, she finds,  no… she MAKES the time and effort to give, to share her story, to get off her ass and HELP people! 

Bobbi is a beautiful face with an even more beautiful soul.  Someone who sent Christmas cards to my kids, just to simply make them smile…someone who isn’t afraid to show her true self, and by doing so inspires me to do the same.  In a world full of people trying to fit in, Bobbi instead finds a way to make others feel they belong…when I think of Brene Brown’s work on courage, vulnerability and #risingstrong  , Bobbi comes to mind.

Bobbi you are a warrior.  You are  strong, loving, and confident.   You are the perfectly placed lady to show the world that mental illness is…well it just IS. It doesn’t define a person. I am beyond proud to know you♡♡♡♡♡♡

WARNING-RANT with foul language

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I’m so angry…infuriated.  I am so sick of hearing people say how all this violence and crap in this world breaks their heart.  If it breaks your heart you wouldn’t be using it to run to your favorite conservative or liberal bullshit “news” site and post all the freaking hate propaganda so you can defend some political view you have. OHHHHH see they’re all coming to take our guns….OHHHHH see #blacklivesmatter is a hate group….OHHHHH see it was a car that killed people not guns….OHHHHH see Republicans are trying to bring back slavery….OHHHHH see if you support Trump you’re a racist….OHHHHH see if you support Hillary you’re anti-American OMG for the love of humanity people get a fucking clue! If you think looking at the same damn websites that do nothing but support your “views” does ANYTHING to help , then wow…just wow! 

NEWSFLASH:the only thing  people who read your views do is A)agree and B)disagree .  

Same goes for what I’m writing now,and I have no delusions here.  I know I won’t change anyone’s mind, I’m just spewing verbal disapproval for all of it and it feels good to get it off my chest and on to virtual paper. 

Now we are all free to say and write and believe and post whatever we want.  I try (kind of) not to post too much profanity, but sometimes it’s just plain damn necessary to convey how seriously pissed off I am. (Plus if it really offends you, you can :

A)tell me and I’ll probably say oh, well then don’t read it and… you’ll be free to think whatever you want about me

B)don’t read it and you’ll still be free to think whatever you want about me

C)comment, bash me, write a rebuttal…whatever

Same goes for us all: think, believe post what you want…and know that if after a tragic event all I see is crap about how you’re right and  I only see/hear you vomiting political garbage from your real or virtual mouth then I have the right to call bullshit and say your priorities appear to be plain old FUCKED UP to me. If your first thought after people DIED is to find a way to use it to promote ANY political agenda, then I have the right to say that I think that’s what’s wrong with this country.  We don’t even KNOW how to empathize anymore.  We can’t even allow ourselves to realize that what’s happening to other humans could happen to us in the next second because if and when it did, all our politics would mean nothing.  We’d have our hearts torn into a million pieces and just want it to stop.

Nothings going to change, it won’t get better, not because it can’t,  but because the majority of us have our heads stuck so far up our own asses we can’t see anything but our own shit! 

We cannot love, but…

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1. You’re my friend and I love you but…
2. I am called to love, but.. 

3. We’re ALL God’s children but…

4. This world needs more love but…

5. I know you/they/he/she are hurting, are scared, are dying, are feeling rejected, are being mistreated, are being killed but…

6. I believe in equality but…

7. I’m not racist/bigoted/sexist/homophobic/ hateful but…

8. My kids can be whoever they are and I’ll love them no matter what, but…

LOVE math…

1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8= NOT LOVE

(1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8)-(but…)= REAL LOVE 

“But” is used to present additional thoughts about something said that CONFLICTS with the original statement.  In other words…everything we say  before we say “but…” is meaningless. 

We cannot “love, but…” 

We either love.(period)   Or we don’t love at all.

Some days will never be someday 

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Some days…

Most of my days are “some days…” 

Some days are really awesome, some days I wake up on time, I get my coffee and head to work. I leave work feeling good, I drive to get my kids and they talk and laugh.  We come home and smile. We play or watch something funny, we laugh.  Daddy gets home early, we eat dinner (together, like ALL 4 at the same time together) we talk and laugh and do what we do and I go to bed feeling whole.

Some days suck like a Dyson on steroids…I wake up late and forget deodorant.  I could, should, think ” I’ll run and grab some deodorant on my lunch break.” But not this some day… nope…instead i think, oh I’ll use some peppermint oil…on my armpits…that i shaved…cause that’ll hide any smell, right? And it does! while simultaneously causing a fire-like, burning pain that causes me to walk down the hall flapping my arms like a flamingo in heat.  Then I realize I forgot my lunch.  I have meetings til 1 at which point I’m beyond hangry.  I grab garbage food, they screw up my order and I become hangrier.  I leave work, stop for gas, pick up kids late, they scream and fight all the way home. I have no dinner plan, no one likes what I cook, everyone is NOT TIRED but me and I go to bed way too late feeling like a vacuumed car mat-just sucked dry.

Some days I wake up and the day just goes and I just go with it.  Nothing crazy happens, nothing pisses me off and nothing makes my heart smile. Life happens and I go to bed feeling …well nothing, I just go to bed.

The only “somedays” that really hurt me are the ones that never happen.

SOMEDAY I’ll be skinnier

SOMEDAY I’ll be prettier

SOMEDAY I’ll be a better mom, a better wife, a better friend

SOMEDAY I’ll be …someone else 

Some days I wonder, how long it will take me to realize that yesterday was some day, today is some day?

The only day that is not some day, is tomorrow. When we try to mix some day with the future all we get is sorrow.  

So instead of waiting for “someday”  I am going to try to embrace some days.  Learning to love some days is harder than living for “someday”.  Still, I prefer the hard road filled with occasional wholeness, sucked dry, and nothingness (with a space between some and day), to waiting for “someday” with no space, cause as CCR says…”someday never comes”

Nicotine mind games

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Ever wondered why people have such a hard time quitting smoking? Think it’s all about the physical urge to smoke? Let me share a 5 day journey through my brain after I DECIDED with my own free will to quit. No coercion, no force, a true personal, I WANT TO QUIT, decision.  Our mind can help us to do amazing things, but our brains are also wired for survival. When we feel discomfort or anxiety or uncertainty,  our brains #1 goal-get us out of this mess.  So unless you are well prepared to handle the tricks your brain will play on you…quitting is going to go from excitement to anger right quick! (OR maybe I am just a special messed up case?) Walk with me as I share the last 5 days and see that we aren’t just fighting nicotine, or habits…we are fighting ourselves.

Me for the last month: I  want to quit, I’m sick of the smell,  the money, the health effects…Its time 

The date is set…This will be AWESOME! I’m excited, I can totally do this and kick ass. Excitement, relief and a general feeling of making a good life decision wash over me.

1 week away… I’m Still feeling excited, hopeful,and yeah, a little bit of nervousness  has set in, but I feel pretty confident that this is MY time.

3 days away…. wow, I’m really going to do this! Ahhh it’s a bit scary, but I can so do it, I have support, it’ll be good, I think? Right?

The day before… woahhh, ok kinda scared..but this is a HUGE step, a chance to take charge of my life, I need to do it for me, for my kids, for my future! Ahhh ok time to just relax and not think about it, it’s 24 hrs away. (Holy @#$% I am FREAKING OUT)

11 PM the night before… soooo tired, going to bed…but, if I go to bed now tomorrow will be here too soon! I should smoke while I still can, I’ll stay up …crap I can’t too tired😣 wish I could wait a day, or two, or two hundred.

1:30 am the morning of… I wake up, and my first thought is oh son of a #$@% it’s almost here, I can’t do this…going to have ONE last one, because, well…I don’t know why,  but I’m awake may as well 

6:30 am the morning of… oh boy, ok this is it.  I run to my car(we are camping), i get out a patch and put it on.  The @$%ing thing won’t stick. Oh this is just F@#!ING peachy, stuck in the middle of nowhere, patches are junk, no one will give in to me asking for a real one,so I’m pretty much screwed, DUMBEST IDEA EVER

9am the day of…ok I found a patch that stuck. Gonna be OK.  I can do this. I give my partial pack away, I won’t be needing this!!(puffs up chest, feeling good!!)
     The next day…so I’m crabby, but I am OK, I can totally do this. OMG for REAL? Hello Aunt Flo thanks for showing up on the worst possible day EVER, super, the universe is screwing with me! I suffer thru, i get to work, survive, I’ll be ok.  Lunchtime comes, yeah nope not going anywhere driving will be too hard.  Make it thru day, get home, go to change patch (long past overdue) and the @#%%@@%% $#@%&=” ALL SUCK NONE WILL STICK awesome, total BS why did I do this again??? OK screw patches, gonna try vaping.

Later that night…ok, ok i am doing this, it’s not so bad! I think I’ll go vape in garage n chill before bed. Oh great a partial pack, WTF for real? Why would I not have checked this before I left, so dumb! OK so I will drive myself nuts unless these are gone. Only a few in here, kids in bed, I’m totally smoking these. First puff OMG THIS IS NASTY, …but I continue on because, why not, its gross and yucky but, hey, I can push thru it.(yes, great logic there huh?)

Day 3…a bit better, driving is OK because I listen to my audio books and can vape. Work is not hard cause I’m busy, it’s getting home that makes me a bit anxious.  

Day 4…feeling ok, a bit crabby but I’m doing  this on my terms, so no reason to be cranky about it. Hubby and son are home now, I’m still vaping haven’t bought a pack, all is good. Wait…what?! seriously is that a cigarette?? You can’t just FLAUNT it right in front of me??? Ugh so unfair, you all FORCE me to quit then go and smoke in front of me, totally awesome, people are so rude!

Night 4…can I have a cigarette? (Says no) OH NO this isn’t up to you, I can do whatever I want and I’m not gonna start again so don’t go giving me any BS about what I should and shouldn’t do!

Day 5…ok, I’m doing this slowly, I’ll be ok!!! Vaporizer battery dies…NO F@#!ING way, yep here we go again, such bs, I didn’t even WANT to quit, why do I get forced into this crap! I’m never gonna be able to quit and stay sane, it’s futile. I’m being set up to fail by the universe and no one cares! I go get myself a 2nd vaporizer so I can always have one ready…feel better but still uncertain.

Night five…awesome, still going strong! I CAN do this!!! Getting stuff done staying occupied, it’s not so bad!  [Has one alcoholic drink]…OHHHHH ya soooo convenient everyone else can smoke, but nope not me! Why was I forced to do this? Such crap, I can’t believe they duped me into quitting AGAIN and then rub it in my face with a cigarette!

I don’t know yet who wins this battle because it’s literally nearing the end of night five as I type…I am still fighting my brain who continually convinces me that I never wanted to quit and was some how forced or hypnotized or brainwashed into quitting.  So far I have been able to beat the conspiracy theory in my head, and I guess that’s all I can do, one day, one conspiracy theory at a time 😎

You are the problem

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I don’t need to write a preface to this, we all know what’s gone on in this short week.  I don’t write this blog to make money, I don’t even know how one does that, but I’m sure some of the maybe 20ish followers I have may find this incomprehensible and unfollow me.  In the end this isn’t about followers,  it never was, it was about me being able to freely write what I feel.  

So here goes:

If you are threatened by #blacklivesmatter, and need to seek out justification  for why “all lives matter” YOU are the problem. 

 If you have never (like I have never)  worried that your son, daughter, husband, wife, mother, father, bff, etc could be beaten, hurt, or killed in a seemingly simple normal everday occurance, because they aren’t white, and you seek out ways to deny THE REALITY that people of different colors face, YOU are the problem. 

If you refuse to admit that there are,and have been instances where certain members of the police force(because they are human and not all humans are good)  have acted without justification and abused and even killed men and women of color YOU are the problem.  

If you are posting nonstop about “bad cops”, and talking trash about police- YOU are the problem.  

If you have decided that the actions of a minority of law officers defines ALL law officers, YOU are the problem.  

If you think that police are superhuman beings not subject to normal human standards of being good people or bad people, YOU are the problem. 

On the same note if you think people who have experienced these hate crimes (crimes against people of color and crimes against law enforcement officers) should just ‘suck it up’ and feel no anger, outrage, horror, and grief YOU are the problem. 

#blacklivesmatter doesn’t mean they matter more…it means that we obviously live in a world where some people believe they DON’T  and it’s way beyond overdue that that belief ENDS.

#POLICELIVESMATTER doesn’t mean they are above the law, held to different standards, it means we obviously live in a world where some believe they should be judged by the few rotten apples and it’s beyond overdue that that belief ENDS. 

It’s easy to surf the net, fb and your “go to” sites for stories that support your diluted belief that the world is fair, that racism is a thing of the past, that police are ‘out to get us’.  To admit that we haven’t come nearly as far as we thought, that racism is rampant, that fear and hatred of police exists…that takes courage to admit. 

Priveledge exists, and you, yes, YOU- have no reason to feel shame for it…you didn’t ask for it, but if you refuse to acknowledge it, then you refuse to acknowledge the struggles of those who don’t have it. 

I can’t NOT be me, a white middle aged female who has never feared I would be singled out based on my skin color.  That doesn’t mean I get to slide the injustice under the rug, pretend it doesn’t exist and carry on…

Stop trying to find ways to justify your bullshit belief that it’s all good.  It’s NOT .

Talk is talk is talk

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We all want to do better, be better. We set goals, we hit them or we don’t.  When the latter happens, we search for a fix. Often times seeking a more ‘positive’ outlook is the path we take, thinking we just need to FEEL better and then we’ll naturally DO better.  Now, disclaimer, I am NO expert…unless its an expert on failing, then crown me if you will…

     Many will disagree and that’s OK, this of course, is simply my humble human opinion, and I have zero research to back it up other than, as Buzz Lehman states “my own meandering experience”. 

 I do not believe that mere positive self talk will change your life.  I DO believe that it can be a catalyst to move you toward changing your life,  but if you never move further than ‘positive self talk’ I wouldn’t expect a life altering epiphany.

The following is my reasoning, faulty or not, its mine and I stand by it. The premise behind PST (tired of typing out positive self talk) is that it will eventually change your thought patterns and allow you to see the good things in yourself and stop focusing on your faults.  I love that,  i want that! In my experience however, PST without a deep dive into your NST (negative self talk) will eventually become nothing more than an empty habit.  Until we are willing to explore WHY we have NST and understand its origins, its power and acknowledge it as more than just words, we can never engage in PST that will overpower the NST.

We are, by nature-I believe-, emotional beings. When we engage, consciously or not, in lots of NST, there’s an underlying reason.  Unless we are willing to experience the pain, and unsafe feeling of discovering WHY we do that; all the PST in the world will simply serve to mask the underlying themes that have ruled our emotions all these years.

Please don’t take this to mean that PST is worthless, it IS worth something. In order for it to make a lasting change though, in my opinion, it needs to be followed by self examination, and the willingness to be open with ourselves. Acknowledging what we find holds the probability that moving from here to there will likely require some blood,sweat, and lots of tears.  When we can move forward KNOWING and having faced, head on, our own emotional scars; then PST becomes less talk and more action.

Talk is talk is talk…positive or negative-it can most definitely affect our inner being.  However, it isn’t until talk becomes more…until it affects true change, physical, emotional, or spiritual,that it becomes action.  

So yes, practice PST, and then take the next step…pull out your emotional arsenal, face your reasons for needing it, and then you can begin to move past lip service, and enter life service.