Ever wondered why people have such a hard time quitting smoking? Think it’s all about the physical urge to smoke? Let me share a 5 day journey through my brain after I DECIDED with my own free will to quit. No coercion, no force, a true personal, I WANT TO QUIT, decision.  Our mind can help us to do amazing things, but our brains are also wired for survival. When we feel discomfort or anxiety or uncertainty,  our brains #1 goal-get us out of this mess.  So unless you are well prepared to handle the tricks your brain will play on you…quitting is going to go from excitement to anger right quick! (OR maybe I am just a special messed up case?) Walk with me as I share the last 5 days and see that we aren’t just fighting nicotine, or habits…we are fighting ourselves.

Me for the last month: I  want to quit, I’m sick of the smell,  the money, the health effects…Its time 

The date is set…This will be AWESOME! I’m excited, I can totally do this and kick ass. Excitement, relief and a general feeling of making a good life decision wash over me.

1 week away… I’m Still feeling excited, hopeful,and yeah, a little bit of nervousness  has set in, but I feel pretty confident that this is MY time.

3 days away…. wow, I’m really going to do this! Ahhh it’s a bit scary, but I can so do it, I have support, it’ll be good, I think? Right?

The day before… woahhh, ok kinda scared..but this is a HUGE step, a chance to take charge of my life, I need to do it for me, for my kids, for my future! Ahhh ok time to just relax and not think about it, it’s 24 hrs away. (Holy @#$% I am FREAKING OUT)

11 PM the night before… soooo tired, going to bed…but, if I go to bed now tomorrow will be here too soon! I should smoke while I still can, I’ll stay up …crap I can’t too tired😣 wish I could wait a day, or two, or two hundred.

1:30 am the morning of… I wake up, and my first thought is oh son of a #$@% it’s almost here, I can’t do this…going to have ONE last one, because, well…I don’t know why,  but I’m awake may as well 

6:30 am the morning of… oh boy, ok this is it.  I run to my car(we are camping), i get out a patch and put it on.  The @$%ing thing won’t stick. Oh this is just F@#!ING peachy, stuck in the middle of nowhere, patches are junk, no one will give in to me asking for a real one,so I’m pretty much screwed, DUMBEST IDEA EVER

9am the day of…ok I found a patch that stuck. Gonna be OK.  I can do this. I give my partial pack away, I won’t be needing this!!(puffs up chest, feeling good!!)
     The next day…so I’m crabby, but I am OK, I can totally do this. OMG for REAL? Hello Aunt Flo thanks for showing up on the worst possible day EVER, super, the universe is screwing with me! I suffer thru, i get to work, survive, I’ll be ok.  Lunchtime comes, yeah nope not going anywhere driving will be too hard.  Make it thru day, get home, go to change patch (long past overdue) and the @#%%@@%% $#@%&=” ALL SUCK NONE WILL STICK awesome, total BS why did I do this again??? OK screw patches, gonna try vaping.

Later that night…ok, ok i am doing this, it’s not so bad! I think I’ll go vape in garage n chill before bed. Oh great a partial pack, WTF for real? Why would I not have checked this before I left, so dumb! OK so I will drive myself nuts unless these are gone. Only a few in here, kids in bed, I’m totally smoking these. First puff OMG THIS IS NASTY, …but I continue on because, why not, its gross and yucky but, hey, I can push thru it.(yes, great logic there huh?)

Day 3…a bit better, driving is OK because I listen to my audio books and can vape. Work is not hard cause I’m busy, it’s getting home that makes me a bit anxious.  

Day 4…feeling ok, a bit crabby but I’m doing  this on my terms, so no reason to be cranky about it. Hubby and son are home now, I’m still vaping haven’t bought a pack, all is good. Wait…what?! seriously is that a cigarette?? You can’t just FLAUNT it right in front of me??? Ugh so unfair, you all FORCE me to quit then go and smoke in front of me, totally awesome, people are so rude!

Night 4…can I have a cigarette? (Says no) OH NO this isn’t up to you, I can do whatever I want and I’m not gonna start again so don’t go giving me any BS about what I should and shouldn’t do!

Day 5…ok, I’m doing this slowly, I’ll be ok!!! Vaporizer battery dies…NO F@#!ING way, yep here we go again, such bs, I didn’t even WANT to quit, why do I get forced into this crap! I’m never gonna be able to quit and stay sane, it’s futile. I’m being set up to fail by the universe and no one cares! I go get myself a 2nd vaporizer so I can always have one ready…feel better but still uncertain.

Night five…awesome, still going strong! I CAN do this!!! Getting stuff done staying occupied, it’s not so bad!  [Has one alcoholic drink]…OHHHHH ya soooo convenient everyone else can smoke, but nope not me! Why was I forced to do this? Such crap, I can’t believe they duped me into quitting AGAIN and then rub it in my face with a cigarette!

I don’t know yet who wins this battle because it’s literally nearing the end of night five as I type…I am still fighting my brain who continually convinces me that I never wanted to quit and was some how forced or hypnotized or brainwashed into quitting.  So far I have been able to beat the conspiracy theory in my head, and I guess that’s all I can do, one day, one conspiracy theory at a time 😎