To all the moms who have been there…

1. You can have another baby–  My thoughts when I hear that: what? for real? That’s your comfort?  I know that!  I am aware that I am physically capable of having another child.  That doesn’t lessen the pain of losing the child I never got to know.  Babies aren’t replaceable so please, please, please do not say this to me!
2. It could have been worse, imagine if you were farther along– yes, imagine if I had gotten to know my child more? If I had one more day, one more kick, one more moment to feel that little life growing inside me?  What you should know is that right now I’d give anything for one more moment, one more day…one more kick.  Please don’t minimize my pain because it doesn’t meet your “timeline” for what level of grief I should feel.
3. Time will heal you, you’ll move on- I know you mean well, I know you want me to heal.  I don’t know if I ever will, I don’t know if I can ever be the same, and I need you to be ok with that.  I need you to know that I’ll GO ON, but I can’t forget.  A part of me is gone and I can’t replace it, I will continue to live my life, but don’t shame me for breaking down randomly because I hurt.
4. Be grateful for the family you have they need you right now-This is probably the worst… the most offensive! How can you think I am not grateful for my family?  I love them with all I have-does that mean I don’t have the right to grieve the part of my family that is now gone?  I know they need me and I wake up every day and put on a mask to hide my pain so that I can make it through the day and be there for them.. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be better if they saw me break down and lose it.  They need me, but they also need to know that this pain is real.
5. AWKWARD SILENCE- I am not a ceramic teapot dangling off the edge of a concrete block.  Yes, I’m grieving, I am sad, but I need people to acknowledge that, not pretend it doesn’t exist.  I also know its awkward for you, you don’t know what to say, to do..you’re afraid of bringing the pain up (let me tell you, it doesn’t just go away).  The best thing you can say is “I’m here, I know you’re hurting, do you want to talk about it? and if not, just know I’m here if and when you do want or need to.”

Why is it so hard for someone to acknowledge that we lost a part of ourselves?  They make all kinds of PC words and phrases up–probably to make it easier for the people that have to deal with us because it sure doesn’t make it easier for us.  Miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, pregnancy loss and still birth do not even come close to encompassing the emotions that we feel, are feeling, or have felt. Just be here for us now, like you were before, and trust that if we don’t want to talk about it, or we just CAN NOT today…we’ll tell you.

This isn’t mean to shame anyone or to be abrasive-ok it probably is a bit abrasive– but part of grief is anger so remember that sometimes we, just as anyone who is grieving, may  lash out and sound angry.  Know that we are human, we make mistakes and we just want someone to be there for us.

This is written for all who have experienced this grief in the hopes that it will make it easier not only for you, but for those that love you and want to help but truly don’t know how.  Seeing someone for the first time after a death can be very intimidating.  Having an unborn child die, can make it even harder for others to know how to react, or what to say, especially if they have never experienced this themselves or with a close loved one.  For all of you moms out there grieving, know that your friends, loved  ones and co-workers really do care-sometimes they just don’t know how to show it.