What do you do when your website name no longer fits with who you are? I mean, I could try to figure out how to get a new .com and link it and yadayadayada …but I’m not going to. Instead I’m going to write this and then remind myself everytime I see the name, that I’m always only 1 day, 1 hour, or more accurately,  1 drink away from those words ringing true again.

I wasn’t sure about writing this, telling my story seems vulnerable, and I don’t like feeling vulnerable.  So then why don’t I stop writing this? Well, I’m learning real slowly that I’m only responsible for impressing myself.  No matter what I do or say, or how I live or what I wear or how I speak,  I’m never going to be everyone’s cup of tea and that’s OK. I’d be lying if I said I don’t care what anyone else thinks, but I will do my best not to let it consume me. 

So why do it at all?  I think its important to own our truths and if writing this can help someone else, its worth any judgment that follows.   I debated it for some time, and recently I saw an acronym to use before speaking…THINK

1) is it TRUE

2) is it HELPFUL

3) is it INSPIRING

4) is it NECESSARY

5) is it KIND

So I weighed these 5 questions and I’ll say, 89 days ago, 60 days ago, even 15 days ago, I couldn’t say yes to all 5.  Today I can.

It  IS true.

It’s helpful for me to write it. I hope maybe it can be helpful to others.

It’s inspiring to me and i hope if the day comes that future me needs a little boost, she finds it here, and if anyone else finds it inspiring that’s even better. 

It’s not “necessary”, as in, I’m not obligated in any way to share this, but I think it’s necessary to help break stigmas and stereotypes when we can.

Lastly, is it kind? (It’s kind(a) long lol!) but seriously,  I think it is.  It’s kind to honor my own journey and it’s kind to heal.

Before we get to the nitty gritty details a few things to keep in mind:

1) This isn’t an ‘atta girl’, patting my own back story.  As I hinted to earlier, this is an ongoing daily journey. I hold no delusions that every day I will feel how I do today, or that I’ll never slip up.  I hope I don’t, I’ll do what I can in order to make that less likely but I’ll never say never.

2) My journey, my story, is simply that.  It’s mine.  Maybe it’s similar to yours or someone you know, maybe it’s light years different.  Please don’t hold this story up and compare it…we’re all unique humans with unique lived experiences and no matter how similar or different things MAY appear, remember that we only know what we know.  When it comes to our fellow humans I think this quote from Brene Brown is worth remembering : “Everyone has a story or a struggle that will break your heart. And, if we’re really paying attention, most people have a story that will bring us to our knees.”- Brene Brown , from The Power of Vulnerability recorded workshop.

3) If you know me, you may be thinking this is a bit shocking, or you may not be surprised at all.  You may think I’m over exaggerating. Let’s be clear, you may THINK whatever you think…  This is my story, regardless of what anyone thinks.

4) You’ve all probably heard these terms: alcoholic, drunk, problem drinker, binge drinker, daily drinker, social drinker, grey area drinker… I’m not diving into that pool of definitions here. If you’re curious and want more information on any of these terms or AUD (alcohol use disorder) I’d encourage you to Google that sh$# and read up.  📚 

So with all that said, you’ve probably already gathered this may be a long read, so here we go.

91 days ago Pickled Poetry and W(h)iney mom were terms that defined me …90 days ago that changed.  I’m not writing a novel (though it may seem like it at this point), so I won’t dive into every tiny detail.  Ninety days ago I started living sober.  The plan was 30 days and then I could buy a bottle of wine to celebrate 🍾.  That day has not, and hopefully, will not come.  I decided if I was going to survive the 30 days I needed encouragement, so I bought The 30 day Alcohol Experiment by Annie Grace and I read a days worth every day for those 30 days.  By the time I finished the book and day 31 arrived I decided I liked my life better sober.  I learned alot about how alcohol works in your body, your brain and more importantly, how it works with (or rather, against) ME.  I realized that as much as I’d love to be that girl that can enjoy a casual drink here and there, I’m not. 

I’m no stranger to mental health struggles.  I’ve been treated for ADHD, anxiety and depression.  I never started drinking to cope.  I drank socially at first, then more often and before I knew it, it was a nightly thing.  A quote from The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald pretty much sums it up “First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”      –interesting subnote, read some articles on the link between ADHD and dopamine, and then about alcohol’s effect on dopamine and other hormones and neurotransmitters.  I think I said it earlier, we only know what we know. 

So by the time “the drink took me” I WAS drinking to cope.  Everyday was a countdown til I could pour that first glass of wine.  Once that first glass was poured, the drink had me.  Anxiety, depression, and overwhelm filled my day and wine took the edge off…or so I thought.  I turned down invitations to happy hours because I knew I couldn’t drink the amount I needed to, or wanted to, and then drive home.  If we were going out for dinner and I wasn’t driving, I’d pre-game with a bottle of wine to calm my nerves so I could “drink socially” at dinner.  Going away overnight? Stocked up on mini plastic bottles I could put in my bag.   On more than one occassion I decided to take a break, bought my favorite seltzer water and before the first can was empty I’d add a little vodka and decide to try again a different time. Most of you wouldn’t know these things.  I didn’t tell anyone.  I didn’t drink during the day, (unless we were camping…or at the lake…or at a party…or i had any possible socially acceptable excuse.)  I have a good job I’ve held for 14 years, I take care of my family, I’m a fairly responsible, productive, member of society.  I think most who know me would say I functioned just fine.  But I wasn’t fine, I knew it was a problem, but I didn’t know if I could stop.  I needed wine to fall asleep, even though I still woke up anxious with my mind racing most nights between 2 and 4am, and often couldn’t fall back asleep.  Sometimes I would justify it in my head…if it really was a problem surely someone would tell me, I would think to myself (as I simultaneously and purposefully made every effort to hide it).  Truthfully, until I was ready, it wouldn’t have mattered.  Someone else telling me to stop would have made me angry and bitter and I wouldn’t have succeeded.   I guess my point here goes back to the quote by Brene Brown.   Surely everyone does have a story, just be aware that its very likely they haven’t told it and you won’t know it, unless or until they do.

Somehow, by the grace of God, I decided to stop and on day 1 I was terrified.  So I was pretty shocked when after I started going to bed sober,  I’d fall asleep quickly and stay asleep AND I had good quality sleep, I woke up feeling rested! And the days? My anxiety wasn’t gone, nor were the moments of overwhelm, but they were fewer and less severe. Sounds great, sounds easy but it’s not.  Quitting drinking is just the stepping stone into a sober world.  I need to learn new ways to cope, I need to rediscover myself.  I am nowhere near done growing…I hope I never am. When you drink to cope and then stop, a lot of emotions surface that you drank to avoid.  Now there you are, face to face with demons you thought you drowned in the drink. They were never drowned, they were just floating along silently waiting to hit dry land and strike again.

I’m learning alot about me, so now I know I can’t do it alone.  Therapy was always something I thought I could use, but I just didn’t pursue (minus the times I looked up therapists near me when I was drinking and having an emotional meltdown,and then dismissed it the next morning).  I honestly didn’t WANT to stop drinking and I didn’t want to have to lie about it to a therapist. Answering the questions they always ask at the doctor inaccurately was more than I wanted to do…but I still did it. I mean, honestly, does anyone who HAS a problem with alcohol or drugs answer those questions honestly unless they’re ready to accept help??? 🤔  So now sober me has decided therapy is non-negotiable and we start that soon. Ya I just referred to myself in the plural,  oh well, WE like it 😅   I’m not leaving any stone unturned when it comes to my toolbox for living sober.

When people say “Be kind, you never know what someone’s going through”  DO THAT and remember my story, because I think, actually, I KNOW that very few people knew this story before today. 

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