Either the assailants are growing weak trying to maintain their rouse of comradery or they’re baiting me…
Tonight there was minimal interaction, which also means no fights…each day my fear intensifies, I may not prevail in this battle of will and I do not know how to move forward. How does one walk into the dark knowing each step could be their last???
The young female assailant ate chicken soup when she thought i wasn’t looking. She gave me a terrifying “SO WHAT” look when she saw that I saw her. CHICKEN SOUP? She has NEVER done such a thing, I’m sure there’s a metaphor she wishes to convey yet my mind is too scared and tired to figure it out.
The older Male assailant got up without objection when I asked something, ON THE FIRST ASK, yes…I know please dont say it aloud, it’s obvious my days are numbered. It’s possible ALL of our days are numbered, this could very well signify the beginning of the end 😳
Day 4921 of the hostage situation
I fear the hijackers have grown smarter than I was prepared for.
Today assailant #2 stood up for and argued a case for assailant #1…this is dangerous, if the assailants JOIN forces I do not know if I can ever succeed in this endeavor. Not only did #2 fight FOR #1 instead of AGAINST him…but #1 THANKED #2😳 RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! and now they are talking and making weird sounds almost like they get happiness from each others words. I dont know what to think. I fear for a future when they learn to work together like this all the time, I must up my game if I’m to survive!
Then…as is the case every night, I was forced to cook a nightly meal…BUT TONIGHT!? Tonight I cooked ONE meal and when it was done they BOTH partook, no complaints, no requests for something different ….are they mocking me? Are they plotting my demise? Only time will tell.
Think of me tonight, for only God knows what insanity or terror awaits me tomorrow
If you’re about to read this, you might want to reconsider. Consider yourself warned.
​I wanted for so long to post this, but I didnt. I was afraid to. I feared being judged, ridiculed, and upsetting people. I’m still hesitant, but I’m doing it anyway. This is MY blog, my space to write and I didn’t wait some 30+ years to write things that everyone wants to hear. **Let me also note that you too may have strong feelings one way or another about this topic, you too may have felt hurt by others words, the DIFFERENCE, is that I never claimed or insinuated that your political beliefs undermined or negated your faith.** I write what I feel, and here’s what I feel:
God didn’t vote, he’s not an American, or did I miss that ? Yet i see so many who after the election said “Gods people have spoken, God answered our prayers…etc.”
I guess this excludes me, and leaves me wondering if I missed the boat somewhere? Since I don’t agree, does that mean I’m not Christian? I must have been sick on “how Jesus wants you to vote day” during Sunday School? Does this mean the prayers of Christians in countries who are ACTUALLY being persecuted weren’t enough? He didn’t answer theirs …but he answered yours? Apparently America is now his chosen land! I have so much to learn.
Do you have any idea how presumptious and self righteous it is to assume that God agrees with your political beliefs? I have to assume you do not. This is based soley on comments and posts I’ve seen saying Trump is a “Godly” man, and that liberals can’t possibly be believers (and those are the kindest comments I’m willing to repeat ) There is hate coming from both sides, I know that, but as Christians claiming God’s victory with Donald Trump -you need to know the impact of what you are saying.
“go and make believers of all men”(epic fail in my opinion, don’t fret, you’ll be relieved as you continue to read and discover that I am obviously “the enemy”)
Let me tell you what reading these things would have done to me had I NOT been strong in my faith:
I would have (thankfully my faith isn’t in Christians, my faith is in God) turned my back in disgust, and in ANGER i would have said this:
I guess I was not who i was supposed to be in your circle, I didn’t qualify to be on ‘the team’, but that’s OK, just the opinion of a heathen (obviously not a Christian) who doesn’t matter because I foolishly spent less time looking for scripture quotes to support my righteousness than I did loving the people God gave me to love. You’ve shown me the error of my ways, you can pray for my salvation but this isn’t a cry for help or open discussion on how to turn my hardened evil heart around. You’ve made it quite clear that when I stand before God, it won’t be enough to know my savior and ask for forgiveness. I will be harshly judged for standing up for “sin” (aka, believing my fellow humans have rights and loving them). So I guess Christianity wasn’t where I was meant to be. I believed in love and left the judging to God, foolish, foolish girl. So give yourself a pat on the back… you have saved yourself and Christianity as a whole from being tainted by yet another sinner.
Fortunately for me, I don’t rely on your approval, I won’t stand before YOU on judgement day. I may be wrong, horribly misguided, but that’s between me and God. I have spent countless nights praying, and talking to God, asking for guidance and doing my best to follow what he has put into my heart. I don’t know anymore than you do if God left free will to its own accord or if he played a role in this election. I have to wonder if maybe you who say that God has spoken are spot on? Maybe God answered your prayers and I’m completely off base and will have to face my Lord and explain how I could have so wrongly misinterpreted what Jesus taught.
But…
Here’s where, if I havent lost you yet, I’m sure I’ll lose most of you now: Perhaps I’m not crazy, maybe God answered your prayers, but not in the way you think…maybe he wanted to see just how many of his followers would be willing to stand beside Him, stand up for Him, as he was taunted, beaten, rejected, feared, hated… “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.” Matthew 25:40
I am no expert, I am as imperfect as they come. You may not see me in church on Sunday morning, but do not DARE to judge my faith and do NOT undermine it by telling me that to be a Christian I must KNOW, because I do not and cannot.
I am painfully noticing and will continue to notice the mess that is life.. I will do my best to listen to my heart and not be swayed by those who tell me I am not part of ‘their team’. Am I certain? NO! Am I SURE? NO!… but I have FAITH, scary, and uncertain faith. My heart feels strongly that fear breeds hate and love drowns out both. All your certainty, which I see lying beneath the guise of “faith” will never take that from me.
Minions operating ahead
On my way home today, I was a bit frazzled. I was, as I do most days, thinking of what the heck to cook for dinner, and not wanting to deal with the inevitable nonstop bickering that always ensues the moment I pick up the kids and continues until I should have been asleep an hour ago. So naturally, most nights, I stay up too late to listen to non bickering silence which generally never happens so I go to bed too late, over tired and crabby…I generally these days wake up in the exact same order.
As I pulled to the stop sign I saw an orange sign and quickly read it. My mind read “Minions operating ahead” and for a moment I thought the universe was trying to make me giggle instead of being anxious and wanting to hide…then I re-read it and saw “mowing operations ahead”.
Then I did giggle, cause wow! That’s my real brain messing with itself. I prefer the “Minions operating ahead” cause if you’re a parent that sign would almost NEVER be wrong… and to be honest, I saw no “mowers” so I conclude that real sign lied.. my imaginary sign would always be true.
That’s all…
Warrior Heather
​Warriors…so many warriors of love in this world who go unnoticed…I guess instead of venting and spewing, it’s time to share light, love, courage, and people who live ordinary lives doing ordinary things who make an extraordinary impact on the people around them.
She is a warrior mom, a warrior friend, a woman who refuses to let life have the last laugh. In her words ” I guess that’s what I’m most proud of is that I refuse to stick my head in the sand and ever give up… granted, I’ve thought about it a time or two, but every time I do, I think about all of the people I love, love me, and have supported me and my decisions over the years.”
And to be clear, though we won’t dive into them, she has had her share of life kicking her, and then kicking her again while she’s down…but she isn’t down…she keeps getting back up.
As a single mom working full time, she went back to school and earned her Bachelor’s degree. She says “That was tough! But walking across that stage and knowing that my daughter was watching and knowing that I did it all for “us”, made all of the blood/sweat/tears all worth it! Ok… there was no blood. 😉 But yeah, that has probably been one of my proudest moments.”
Heather isn’t immune to feeling defeated, to being angry at the curve balls life throws, she feels it all; yet she will be there to help a friend or even friends of friends without a thought. She is that person that uses her struggles to help others in her shoes, whether it’s directly, or by showing us through her own life that we can survive. She radiates love and life and laughter and she is dearly loved.
She is a warrior of inspiration…a warrior of living life, and a warrior of finding her own way in a dark, unknown and letting us all know we can do it too.
“Times are tough, but “OTSS” is my daily mantra.”-warrior Heather.
Warrior Heather, you are THE STRONG and you’re raising a strong one too. You give hope to women, mom’s and everyone who knows and loves you.
I don’t know if you even like Pat Benatar, but I’m pretty sure “Hit Me with Your Best Shot” was written for warriors like you.
Warrior Fancy
​Warriors…so many warriors of love in this world who go unnoticed…I guess instead of venting and spewing, it’s time to share light, love, courage, and people who live ordinary lives doing ordinary things who make an extraordinary impact on the people around them.
“Use your privilege to change the world” the quote that most embodies Ms. Fancy. I’m not sure in a short little blog post I can convey the love and hate in this fiery woman’s heart and soul. Her heart is full of love; love for humanity, love for those in need, love for those who…well for those who need love. Ms Fancy is love, and yet she holds open a bit of space for hatred…hatred for racism, bigotry, homophobia, inequality, and hypocrisy.
A mother and a career woman, Fancy can cook a gourmet booze filled meal while saying words that’d make Eddie Murphy blush and still leave you feeling like you’re completely surrounded by love.(she might not like me saying this…but sorry Fancy, it’s true…love isn’t confined to social norms, love is feels…and you bring them )
Warrior Fancy will mince no words when it comes to human rights, and she wastes no time on people who spread hatred. She won’t keep you around on fb so she can troll your racist comments, she does what a warrior does…deletes your ass and moves on.
She spends her spare time cooking, living, loving and working on a start up organization to fund scholarships for college bound youth in the arts field by selling children’s artwork.
I’ve reached out to her and gotten honest advice on potty training, teaching kids about racism, and my own writing.
She grew up in a town where different was NOT ok…where it got you labeled, feared, rumored about and beyond. She left podunk and never blinked.
She saw and witnessed firsthand the true inhumane treatment that our fellow humans face everyday and she was NOT ok with it. She didn’t turn her head away from the pain of seeing it, she turned INTO the pain and faced it head on with a heart full of piss and vinegar and a dash of love and never looked back.
Fancy and I disagree on some things, mostly our spiritual beliefs, and I don’t love her in spite of that…I love her because of it. She is FANCY, she radiates love and vulgarity and fun and she isn’t about acceptance, because acceptance implies settling, or tiers of humanity where those who think they are better get to decide who is OK. She makes no apologies and she’s never asked me to make any for who I am either.
She doesn’t like prayer, and I do. She likes the “C” word , I don’t.
Fancy, you are what this world needs right now. A heart who cares, a head who has no tolerance for ass backward thinking and a soul who longs to connect and live and love and laugh. For the love of Fancy, she camps with Tiaras and gowns.. ROCK ON WARRIOR FANCY, you are a change maker.
Warrior Mom
​Warriors…so many warriors of love in this world who go unnoticed…I guess instead of venting and spewing, it’s time to share light, love, courage, and people who live ordinary lives doing ordinary things who make an extraordinary impact on the people around them.
My mom, a young woman with 3 children aged 15, 12 and 9 whose Husband, best friend, and father to her 3 children left this world unexpectedly. She went from a wife out on a date night with her beloved, to a widow, in a matter of less than 24 hours. She was there through sports practices, games, forenics, all the extra curriculars, jobs, licenses, college applications, grandkids, marriages, moves, ups downs and in between. We never thought to wonder if she was ok…she was mom, she was always ok…though I know now that could never have been true. But she put on her warrior armor and she fought her pain to pull us thru. Mom, you ARE a warrior, you stand strong for your beliefs, you don’t let the naysayers change your heart. You have taught us to BE who we are and never apologize. Hold your head high warrior mom, you raised 3 children who live, and love and who know that God gave us you, because we’d need a warrior to carry us til you taught us to walk and fight, for love, on our own.
Warrior Bobbi
Warriors…so many warriors of love in this world who go unnoticed…I guess instead of venting and spewing, it’s time to share light, love, courage, and people who live ordinary lives doing ordinary things who make an extraordinary impact on the people around them.
A dear friend, who has struggled since she was 13 years old with schizo affective disorder. We met years ago at work. A beautiful, vibrant young lady with a passion for her own fashion, and all things eclectic; she was the first truly old soul in a young body I have known. (And may i just say her fashion sense is amazing, original and bold-and I ADORE IT.) She loves owls, tattoos, her husband, good beer, people, and God. She left her family to move two hours away to Milwaukee, (after commuting to and from for quite a while) with her husband, got a new job, found new friends, a new church, and started volunteering in inner city Schools. She did all this while dealing with a mental illness that affects her daily life . I can’t even WANT to do these things on my best days. She publicly shared her plight with mental illness on Facebook 2 years ago, with the hopes to help others in her shoes. She struggles daily in ways most of us can’t even comprehend and yet, she finds, no… she MAKES the time and effort to give, to share her story, to get off her ass and HELP people!
Bobbi is a beautiful face with an even more beautiful soul. Someone who sent Christmas cards to my kids, just to simply make them smile…someone who isn’t afraid to show her true self, and by doing so inspires me to do the same. In a world full of people trying to fit in, Bobbi instead finds a way to make others feel they belong…when I think of Brene Brown’s work on courage, vulnerability and #risingstrong , Bobbi comes to mind.
Bobbi you are a warrior. You are strong, loving, and confident. You are the perfectly placed lady to show the world that mental illness is…well it just IS. It doesn’t define a person. I am beyond proud to know you♡♡♡♡♡♡
WARNING-RANT with foul language
I’m so angry…infuriated. I am so sick of hearing people say how all this violence and crap in this world breaks their heart. If it breaks your heart you wouldn’t be using it to run to your favorite conservative or liberal bullshit “news” site and post all the freaking hate propaganda so you can defend some political view you have. OHHHHH see they’re all coming to take our guns….OHHHHH see #blacklivesmatter is a hate group….OHHHHH see it was a car that killed people not guns….OHHHHH see Republicans are trying to bring back slavery….OHHHHH see if you support Trump you’re a racist….OHHHHH see if you support Hillary you’re anti-American OMG for the love of humanity people get a fucking clue! If you think looking at the same damn websites that do nothing but support your “views” does ANYTHING to help , then wow…just wow!
NEWSFLASH:the only thing people who read your views do is A)agree and B)disagree .
Same goes for what I’m writing now,and I have no delusions here. I know I won’t change anyone’s mind, I’m just spewing verbal disapproval for all of it and it feels good to get it off my chest and on to virtual paper.
Now we are all free to say and write and believe and post whatever we want. I try (kind of) not to post too much profanity, but sometimes it’s just plain damn necessary to convey how seriously pissed off I am. (Plus if it really offends you, you can :
A)tell me and I’ll probably say oh, well then don’t read it and… you’ll be free to think whatever you want about me
B)don’t read it and you’ll still be free to think whatever you want about me
C)comment, bash me, write a rebuttal…whatever
Same goes for us all: think, believe post what you want…and know that if after a tragic event all I see is crap about how you’re right and I only see/hear you vomiting political garbage from your real or virtual mouth then I have the right to call bullshit and say your priorities appear to be plain old FUCKED UP to me. If your first thought after people DIED is to find a way to use it to promote ANY political agenda, then I have the right to say that I think that’s what’s wrong with this country. We don’t even KNOW how to empathize anymore. We can’t even allow ourselves to realize that what’s happening to other humans could happen to us in the next second because if and when it did, all our politics would mean nothing. We’d have our hearts torn into a million pieces and just want it to stop.
Nothings going to change, it won’t get better, not because it can’t, but because the majority of us have our heads stuck so far up our own asses we can’t see anything but our own shit!
We cannot love, but…
1. You’re my friend and I love you but…
2. I am called to love, but..
3. We’re ALL God’s children but…
4. This world needs more love but…
5. I know you/they/he/she are hurting, are scared, are dying, are feeling rejected, are being mistreated, are being killed but…
6. I believe in equality but…
7. I’m not racist/bigoted/sexist/homophobic/ hateful but…
8. My kids can be whoever they are and I’ll love them no matter what, but…
LOVE math…
1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8= NOT LOVE
(1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8)-(but…)= REAL LOVE
“But” is used to present additional thoughts about something said that CONFLICTS with the original statement. In other words…everything we say before we say “but…” is meaningless.
We cannot “love, but…”
We either love.(period) Or we don’t love at all.
pickled poetry 