Some days…

Most of my days are “some days…” 

Some days are really awesome, some days I wake up on time, I get my coffee and head to work. I leave work feeling good, I drive to get my kids and they talk and laugh.  We come home and smile. We play or watch something funny, we laugh.  Daddy gets home early, we eat dinner (together, like ALL 4 at the same time together) we talk and laugh and do what we do and I go to bed feeling whole.

Some days suck like a Dyson on steroids…I wake up late and forget deodorant.  I could, should, think ” I’ll run and grab some deodorant on my lunch break.” But not this some day… nope…instead i think, oh I’ll use some peppermint oil…on my armpits…that i shaved…cause that’ll hide any smell, right? And it does! while simultaneously causing a fire-like, burning pain that causes me to walk down the hall flapping my arms like a flamingo in heat.  Then I realize I forgot my lunch.  I have meetings til 1 at which point I’m beyond hangry.  I grab garbage food, they screw up my order and I become hangrier.  I leave work, stop for gas, pick up kids late, they scream and fight all the way home. I have no dinner plan, no one likes what I cook, everyone is NOT TIRED but me and I go to bed way too late feeling like a vacuumed car mat-just sucked dry.

Some days I wake up and the day just goes and I just go with it.  Nothing crazy happens, nothing pisses me off and nothing makes my heart smile. Life happens and I go to bed feeling …well nothing, I just go to bed.

The only “somedays” that really hurt me are the ones that never happen.

SOMEDAY I’ll be skinnier

SOMEDAY I’ll be prettier

SOMEDAY I’ll be a better mom, a better wife, a better friend

SOMEDAY I’ll be …someone else 

Some days I wonder, how long it will take me to realize that yesterday was some day, today is some day?

The only day that is not some day, is tomorrow. When we try to mix some day with the future all we get is sorrow.  

So instead of waiting for “someday”  I am going to try to embrace some days.  Learning to love some days is harder than living for “someday”.  Still, I prefer the hard road filled with occasional wholeness, sucked dry, and nothingness (with a space between some and day), to waiting for “someday” with no space, cause as CCR says…”someday never comes”

Ever wondered why people have such a hard time quitting smoking? Think it’s all about the physical urge to smoke? Let me share a 5 day journey through my brain after I DECIDED with my own free will to quit. No coercion, no force, a true personal, I WANT TO QUIT, decision.  Our mind can help us to do amazing things, but our brains are also wired for survival. When we feel discomfort or anxiety or uncertainty,  our brains #1 goal-get us out of this mess.  So unless you are well prepared to handle the tricks your brain will play on you…quitting is going to go from excitement to anger right quick! (OR maybe I am just a special messed up case?) Walk with me as I share the last 5 days and see that we aren’t just fighting nicotine, or habits…we are fighting ourselves.

Me for the last month: I  want to quit, I’m sick of the smell,  the money, the health effects…Its time 

The date is set…This will be AWESOME! I’m excited, I can totally do this and kick ass. Excitement, relief and a general feeling of making a good life decision wash over me.

1 week away… I’m Still feeling excited, hopeful,and yeah, a little bit of nervousness  has set in, but I feel pretty confident that this is MY time.

3 days away…. wow, I’m really going to do this! Ahhh it’s a bit scary, but I can so do it, I have support, it’ll be good, I think? Right?

The day before… woahhh, ok kinda scared..but this is a HUGE step, a chance to take charge of my life, I need to do it for me, for my kids, for my future! Ahhh ok time to just relax and not think about it, it’s 24 hrs away. (Holy @#$% I am FREAKING OUT)

11 PM the night before… soooo tired, going to bed…but, if I go to bed now tomorrow will be here too soon! I should smoke while I still can, I’ll stay up …crap I can’t too tired😣 wish I could wait a day, or two, or two hundred.

1:30 am the morning of… I wake up, and my first thought is oh son of a #$@% it’s almost here, I can’t do this…going to have ONE last one, because, well…I don’t know why,  but I’m awake may as well 

6:30 am the morning of… oh boy, ok this is it.  I run to my car(we are camping), i get out a patch and put it on.  The @$%ing thing won’t stick. Oh this is just F@#!ING peachy, stuck in the middle of nowhere, patches are junk, no one will give in to me asking for a real one,so I’m pretty much screwed, DUMBEST IDEA EVER

9am the day of…ok I found a patch that stuck. Gonna be OK.  I can do this. I give my partial pack away, I won’t be needing this!!(puffs up chest, feeling good!!)
     The next day…so I’m crabby, but I am OK, I can totally do this. OMG for REAL? Hello Aunt Flo thanks for showing up on the worst possible day EVER, super, the universe is screwing with me! I suffer thru, i get to work, survive, I’ll be ok.  Lunchtime comes, yeah nope not going anywhere driving will be too hard.  Make it thru day, get home, go to change patch (long past overdue) and the @#%%@@%% $#@%&=” ALL SUCK NONE WILL STICK awesome, total BS why did I do this again??? OK screw patches, gonna try vaping.

Later that night…ok, ok i am doing this, it’s not so bad! I think I’ll go vape in garage n chill before bed. Oh great a partial pack, WTF for real? Why would I not have checked this before I left, so dumb! OK so I will drive myself nuts unless these are gone. Only a few in here, kids in bed, I’m totally smoking these. First puff OMG THIS IS NASTY, …but I continue on because, why not, its gross and yucky but, hey, I can push thru it.(yes, great logic there huh?)

Day 3…a bit better, driving is OK because I listen to my audio books and can vape. Work is not hard cause I’m busy, it’s getting home that makes me a bit anxious.  

Day 4…feeling ok, a bit crabby but I’m doing  this on my terms, so no reason to be cranky about it. Hubby and son are home now, I’m still vaping haven’t bought a pack, all is good. Wait…what?! seriously is that a cigarette?? You can’t just FLAUNT it right in front of me??? Ugh so unfair, you all FORCE me to quit then go and smoke in front of me, totally awesome, people are so rude!

Night 4…can I have a cigarette? (Says no) OH NO this isn’t up to you, I can do whatever I want and I’m not gonna start again so don’t go giving me any BS about what I should and shouldn’t do!

Day 5…ok, I’m doing this slowly, I’ll be ok!!! Vaporizer battery dies…NO F@#!ING way, yep here we go again, such bs, I didn’t even WANT to quit, why do I get forced into this crap! I’m never gonna be able to quit and stay sane, it’s futile. I’m being set up to fail by the universe and no one cares! I go get myself a 2nd vaporizer so I can always have one ready…feel better but still uncertain.

Night five…awesome, still going strong! I CAN do this!!! Getting stuff done staying occupied, it’s not so bad!  [Has one alcoholic drink]…OHHHHH ya soooo convenient everyone else can smoke, but nope not me! Why was I forced to do this? Such crap, I can’t believe they duped me into quitting AGAIN and then rub it in my face with a cigarette!

I don’t know yet who wins this battle because it’s literally nearing the end of night five as I type…I am still fighting my brain who continually convinces me that I never wanted to quit and was some how forced or hypnotized or brainwashed into quitting.  So far I have been able to beat the conspiracy theory in my head, and I guess that’s all I can do, one day, one conspiracy theory at a time 😎

We all want to do better, be better. We set goals, we hit them or we don’t.  When the latter happens, we search for a fix. Often times seeking a more ‘positive’ outlook is the path we take, thinking we just need to FEEL better and then we’ll naturally DO better.  Now, disclaimer, I am NO expert…unless its an expert on failing, then crown me if you will…

     Many will disagree and that’s OK, this of course, is simply my humble human opinion, and I have zero research to back it up other than, as Buzz Lehman states “my own meandering experience”. 

 I do not believe that mere positive self talk will change your life.  I DO believe that it can be a catalyst to move you toward changing your life,  but if you never move further than ‘positive self talk’ I wouldn’t expect a life altering epiphany.

The following is my reasoning, faulty or not, its mine and I stand by it. The premise behind PST (tired of typing out positive self talk) is that it will eventually change your thought patterns and allow you to see the good things in yourself and stop focusing on your faults.  I love that,  i want that! In my experience however, PST without a deep dive into your NST (negative self talk) will eventually become nothing more than an empty habit.  Until we are willing to explore WHY we have NST and understand its origins, its power and acknowledge it as more than just words, we can never engage in PST that will overpower the NST.

We are, by nature-I believe-, emotional beings. When we engage, consciously or not, in lots of NST, there’s an underlying reason.  Unless we are willing to experience the pain, and unsafe feeling of discovering WHY we do that; all the PST in the world will simply serve to mask the underlying themes that have ruled our emotions all these years.

Please don’t take this to mean that PST is worthless, it IS worth something. In order for it to make a lasting change though, in my opinion, it needs to be followed by self examination, and the willingness to be open with ourselves. Acknowledging what we find holds the probability that moving from here to there will likely require some blood,sweat, and lots of tears.  When we can move forward KNOWING and having faced, head on, our own emotional scars; then PST becomes less talk and more action.

Talk is talk is talk…positive or negative-it can most definitely affect our inner being.  However, it isn’t until talk becomes more…until it affects true change, physical, emotional, or spiritual,that it becomes action.  

So yes, practice PST, and then take the next step…pull out your emotional arsenal, face your reasons for needing it, and then you can begin to move past lip service, and enter life service.

Remember the days of MySpace? OK ok maybe you’re not that old… but it was so exciting.  Connecting with old friends, people you rarely saw and then…stop the presses it’s FACEBOOK FOR EVERYONE!!! We all jumped in, sharing our lives, laughter and feeling this awesome new connectedness to one’s we had lost touch with. Well, at least that’s how we ‘remember’ it, nostalgia probably washes over the ugly and we forget any former angst.
  However, I think it’s clear that one thing social media lends itself well to, and we have jumped to the occasion …is judging our fellow humans.  I scrolled through Facebook just now…and in all of the span of less than 2 minutes saw articles/posts/memes on the following : working mom’s have it harder, stay at home moms have it harder, gun lovers suck, gun haters suck, Republicans are @#$holes, Democrats are @#$holes, poor parenting is rampant, LGBT people are the problem, Black pride is the problem, Islam is the problem, Atheists are the problem, Christians are the problem, fat people should feel shame, skinny people don’t know shame, kids need to be spanked, kids should never be spanked.
Not even exaggerating…in the span of less time than it took to hook up to the dial-up interweb in 1990, my core self was exposed to so much hate, shame, blame and lack of humanity that my head spun-at age 40.
Social media has so many good uses, so many opportunities, yet we consistently find pleasure in using it to boost ourselves at the expense of others. We MUST be right, we MUST be heard, acknowledged…and if you think you are immune, you are probably not. I myself last night posted a link to the first blog-post I’d written in nearly, if not longer, than a year. When after an hour had passed and no one liked it, I thought, we’ll I must have screwed it up…or maybe it didn’t post? Is Facebook hiding it? Somethings not right…yep, I admit it, I was unconsciously yet ACTIVELY seeking validation and I never saw it in the moment.
My point here is we are hurting others, hurting ourselves in the process and completely blind to this perpetual cycle of hate, judgement, validation and Shame. We sought out connection and with every post and like or comment we are driving a wedge between ourselves and our fellow humans. I’d love to say this is a call to action, a cry for us, myself included, to do better…but for now, I’m just seeing…feeling and wondering. I don’t know what comes next, I just know the thought is a tad bit scary.

About 4 months ago I decided to start using my drive time (about 2 hours a day) to listen to audiobooks, mainly focused on self-development.  It’s been over 100 hours of time that would have been mindless that I have turned into self reflection, learning and HOLY CRAP! THAT’S ME, moments.
     Over this time, I’ve listened to Gretchen Rubin, Elizabeth Gilbert, Brene Brown, and Darren Hardy, just to name a few. What I’ve learned this far, is that I have an intense love for the human psyche, emotions and psychology.  I’ve also learned that just when I think I have something figured out, I realize I have it all wrong.

Mostly, I have learned that I don’t yet know myself,but that I NEED to, if I want to bring my best self forward.  I have the tendency to attribute the qualities that I see as negative, to others, before myself. I am willing and ready to help others, but not myself. ( I haven’t figured that one out yet? Perhaps helping myself means acknowledging that I NEED it, which means I have to face my imperfections, shame and fears)

    Lastly, I think what I haven’t yet mastered, but am learning on a moment by moment basis, is that there is no end in sight…that learning who I am, and trying to bring my best self forward is never going to “happen”.  And that, that is what I love the most and yet it also scares me the most.  Some days I feel like the more self development/ psychology/mind/spirit/parenting/life books I expose myself to- the more i need a therapist.  I think thats the absolute beauty of this journey, learning that you want to be better, feel better and do better, but having to struggle through the process.  I am, and always will be, an unfinished project, and I am slowly (very slowly) learning to be “ok” with that, and occasionally even, beyond EXCITED to be that😀

Stress-not new to anyone, right?  We all have stressors, some we don’t even realize until…well until our body does and lets us know.  One of those odd ways we suddenly realize we are feeling some stress is the dreaded EYE TWITCH! A friend mentioned it today and so this post was born.

You know, its not bad enough to be feeling like every day is a conglomerate of poop in lit paper bags you are stomping out; no, then your body decides to go haywire.  The eye twitch…it comes when you least expect it, and its relentless!  As you sit talking to someone you suddenly feel as though your eyelid is frantically attempting to remove itself from the situation.

My theory? It’s all that stress looking for a way out.  It suddenly stumbles upon this opening we like to refer to as the eye socket.  Suddenly stress (we’ll refer to it as the twitchy witch going forward, TW for short) isn’t so sure it wants to go out “there”.  So TW becomes less like a rabbit running from a predator, and more like a dog who can’t decide if it wants in or out. Hence, the frantic twitching begins; and JUST when you think its about to end and no one can tell that TW , is about to escape and leave your eyes to rest, the true fun begins.  Now TW isn’t just the in and out dog whose tail is wagging and slapping the screen door violently, it’s now painfully evident that TW has taken your eyelid hostage.  There is now an imaginary toothpick holding your eyelid open as it violently struggles to evict TW …but he JUST WON’T GO!

During this life and death battle between TW and your eye socket, you are certain the world has been watching this violent struggle and pondering if you have an involuntary spasm.  You silently retreat to a dark spot or uninhabited area, all while wondering what alien life form has just seized hold of your body.

Our bodies are amazing, complex structures.  Modern science and medicine have evolved light years in the last few decades. I’m sure there must be some studies on good ole TW out there? Anyone care to share?